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Hoping for a Baby

You’re ready to get pregnant and grow your family. There’s a lot to look forward to and plan for. And although it might happen quickly, it could take longer than expected, even if you and your partner are healthy. 

Hearing questions like:

• “When are you going to get pregnant?”
• “When are you going to add to your family?”
• “Don’t you think Little Joe/Suzy would like a little brother/sister to play with” etc.

are generally not conducive to getting pregnant. We know you mean well, but just stop. We might have already been trying and just didn’t want to share with you.

Because sharing then leads to these questions:

• “Well, are you pregnant yet?”
• “Have you talked to the doctor?”
• “It’s been 6 months. Are you sure you can even have kids?”
• Not to mention many other, and way more rude, questions.

One Month at a Time

Your cycle starts over and you wonder, will this be the one? If not, when will it happen? It’s not easy to predict. And if you’ve been trying for a while, those ups and downs can be really hard. You probably don’t want someone asking you, “Any news this month?” even if they mean well.  

Or maybe you’re in a somewhat different boat and already have children. The paragraph above definitely applies there as well. But what about when others think that you have the perfect family and don’t need more children? This was the story for me with my last 2 children. I tried for 17 months both times to get pregnant. And the whole time my family was telling me that I had 3 kids already, it was time to stop. Combined with the negatives month after month, it definitely was not a good time.

It’s Unpredictable

You can do a lot to take care of yourself. But with fertility, it’s not always in your control. While everyone is different, there are certain things that women who are trying to get pregnant say are especially hard to deal with. You may be able to relate personally, or you’ll want to be sensitive to these things if you know someone in that situation.

The two hardest things for me were to cut out caffeine and cut back on sugar! If you have someone who is making changes in their life to be healthier, offer to make the changes with them. It is always easier with a friend along.

Time Is Top of Mind

Most women think they’re going to try for a few months, get pregnant, and start to pick baby names. But it might take longer. A lot of things can affect that, including your age and health. Some women say that it can feel like a failure if it doesn’t happen like you thought it would. But it’s no one’s fault. Your doctor can check to make sure you’re ready for a pregnancy.

The guidelines currently in place for when to see a doctor when you are trying to conceive are:

• If you are under 35, healthy, and have not used birth control in the last 12 months – try for one year before talking to the doctor.

• If you are over 35, healthy, and have not used birth control in the last 12 months – try for 6 months before talking to the doctor.

I was 29 the last time we started trying. I went off the Depo in October and it took us 17 months to conceive. So keep in mind that if you were on birth control, it can cause it to take longer. It doesn’t always though.

It Can Take Work

Some couples get pregnant without even trying. For others, it can be a big project. A woman might measure and record her cycle, looking for patterns that help her know when she’s most fertile. She might get blood tests and have extra doctor appointments. And she might be weighing all of her options if a pregnancy doesn’t happen on its own.

I was using 3 different period tracking apps for the last 9 months of our trying. I used FLO, Fertility Friend, and Period Tracker Deluxe. Every morning, I would wake up an hour early to take my BBT, then go back to sleep. I would monitor every little symptom and track it. I got to know my body pretty well. A friend of mine had a one night stand and got pregnant with a baby she didn’t want. We each have different journeys to make, and unfortunately, we never know what route it is going to take before we begin it.

It’s Emotional

When you want to have a baby, a lot of strong feelings can come up. Along with hope and excitement, you could be let down if months go by and it doesn’t happen.  If you feel upset, fearful, ashamed, or guilty, counseling or a support group could be a comfort. Talking with or reading about other women who’ve gone through this and had success helps, too.

Personally, I was drawn to Facebook groups for those trying to conceive. I learned a LOT. And there were many of us testing at the same time, and all of us getting BFNs, so it lessened the pain a little.

On the Same Page?

Couples hoping for a pregnancy look forward to things like the baby’s nursery, first steps, and making memories together. If conceiving proves hard, lots of other issues can come up. You and your partner might ask yourselves things like, “Are we both healthy? How long do we want to try? What other options do we want to explore?” You’ll want to work together, possibly with a counselor, to keep your relationship healthy.

Also keep in mind that if only one partner wants to get pregnant, this can lead to many conflicting emotions. It could cause resentment, anger, fear, etc. Resentment & anger that they won’t give you a child, resentment & anger that an unwanted pregnancy occurred. Fear that your partner will be angry with you or resent you if you do successfully get pregnant.

My oldest child was conceived when her father tampered with my birth control pills. Let me tell you how big a surprise that was!!! My last was conceived knowing that my husband did not want anymore kids. He knew I wasn’t on any birth control and chose to not use condoms. But there was plenty of negativity involved in the months leading up to and since we got pregnant.

Talk to each other.

Private or Public?

You might be very open about your pregnancy hopes, plans, progress, and setbacks. You might want to talk about it and appreciate it if close friends or family ask. Or you might want to keep it private and avoid questions, especially if it’s not going well. Love and support from friends and family helps. It’s up to you to decide what you tell people and when.

With my first pregnancy, I kept pretty hush about it until after the 12 week mark. I had suffered through 4 miscarriages prior to getting pregnant with her. She was not planned and I was actually on birth control. But what got me to keep quiet was my family telling me that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I was 20 years old. I didn’t know what I was doing. My grandparents offered to pay for an abortion. My mother looked me dead in the face at 12 weeks along and told me she hoped I lost it. The whole pregnancy was a nightmare.

I had another miscarriage about a year after she was born, then had 2 boys in 2 years. My grandparents offered an abortion with each of them and my mother told me I was stupid. I had another miscarriage, then got pregnant with my youngest daughter. She was planned. My family reacted just as horribly as before. I had another miscarriage last year. And got told that I talk about it like I’m proud of all the kids I might have had.

When I told my mom and grandfather that we would like one more, they both told me I was stupid. Needless to say, we’re 12 weeks tomorrow with #5 and haven’t said a word to either of our families. Nor will we until we don’t have a choice. If I’m lucky, that will be Christmas when I show up with baby in his/her infant seat.

Each of us has a different journey to take. Mine has been difficult and has led to my choice to be very private. Yours could be the exact opposite. Just be sure to talk to your friends/family/loved ones and let them know that it’s YOUR journey and not theirs. YOU get to choose how much and what you share.

Mixed Feelings

When you want to be pregnant, you might suddenly be super-aware of all the pregnancies and babies around you in real life or on social media. If you wish that were you, you might feel lots of things: thrilled for your friends, sad that you’re not there now, and hopeful for your future. For instance, if you need to skip a baby shower because it’s too hard, do what you need to do for yourself.

There’s a girl I work with who had her baby a few months ago. All she did was complain about being pregnant. But as soon as she came back to work, she started joking about how she was going to get pregnant again so she could go back on maternity leave. What she meant as a joke, went straight through me. I had 14 or 15 months of BFNs straight and she’s joking about how easy it is to get pregnant. I definitely avoided her for a while. That’s what I needed to do for me.

Another friend of mine has been trying for something like 20 years to get pregnant. And has never succeeded. But she shows up to all the baby showers and all the birthday parties and is the honorary Aunt. That’s what she needs to do for her.

We each have different needs. We’re each at different places mentally and emotionally. And sometimes, you have to remind people that “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to explain. “Will you be coming to our baby shower this weekend?” “No.” If they need more of an explanation than that, and you feel comfortable giving it, go for it. But if not, then “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t need to justify your needs to not be around baby events when you’re TTC and haven’t gotten your BFP yet.

Choices Can Be Tough

Some women who can’t get pregnant find out that it’s due to a health problem they didn’t know about — and that could make pregnancy and delivery very risky. Or you might be healthy but decide to explore other ways to expand your family, like fertility treatments, adoption, or surrogacy. These decisions, too, can be complicated and emotional.

I once really considered being a surrogate mother. Only for close friends, of course, because I have many that for one reason or another can’t have kids or can’t have more kids. But I honestly didn’t know if I would be strong enough to carry a child in my body and then give it up.

With this pregnancy, however, we have definitely decided that we are done. This is our first together, my 5th, his 3rd and our 7th. We are done. But I know that I am still capable of carrying a life inside of me. So surrogacy has been in my mind again lately. To give my own child up, I would not be strong enough. But to carry a loved one’s child and give them a precious gift? I would most definitely be willing.

But this decision, just like deciding whether we were done or not, has had it’s ups and downs and back and forths. It’s an emotional roller-coaster. One that some are not aware of, others don’t care about, and others understand all too well. If you are struggling with the choices, talk to someone who’s been there. Do your research. Be honest with YOURSELF. Don’t be afraid to shine a light on those scary dark places inside. That’s how you heal them.

Expenses Shift

When you plan for a baby, you’ll probably soon start to look at your budget differently. If a pregnancy happens quickly, you’ll have baby clothes, diapers, a crib, possibly day care, and many other things to save for. If it doesn’t happen and you decide to try fertility treatments, the tests, procedures, prescriptions, and even parking fees at medical buildings can add up quickly.

Not to mention the cost of labor and delivery. For my home birth, it costs $3,500. Even with the assistance of insurance, it’s still $1,000 out of pocket. With my other kids, I was lucky enough to have hand-me-down clothes and toys. Not this time. Daddy has decided on all new everything… And I am terrified of the price tags. Things have double and even tripled in the last 10 years since I first bought baby things.

If you have someone who has been open about TTC, a nice gesture would be to start them a Baby Fund to help counteract the cost. I promise you, it is going to come in more handy than the 6 sets of hairbrushes and fingernail clippers that they get at their baby shower!

Got Advice? Ask First.

If it’s taking longer than you thought it would to get pregnant, you might not want to hear suggestions or stories about other people who’ve gone through it. Even if it comes from someone with the best intentions, you might feel like they’re implying that you haven’t done or don’t know enough. Try to focus on what you, your partner, and your doctor think is best.

If someone tries to force advice on you, just let them know that you appreciate what they’re trying to do, but that you just aren’t in a place to receive that advice right now. They may try again later, they may wait for you to ask. Either way, it avoids a fight, avoids embarrassment and avoids anger that can often come with unsolicited advice.

Here are some ways to help out a couple trying to conceive:

I know that last “What’s Better to Say” probably sounds pretty odd. I mean, getting pregnant usually just involves two people having sex, right? And there’s no way you can help with that, unless you’re one of those two people… right?

Wrong.

Whether the couple is trying for their first baby or their fifth, there are always ways that you can help out. Cook a freezer meal that they can throw in the oven when they get home to help take some of the stress away and free up some time. I don’t know about you, but when I’m stressed and drowning in the every day that is my life, I can’t shut my mind off long enough to get in the mood. Which then makes it very difficult to baby dance.

Helpful Ideas:

• Cook a freezer meal (or two)
• Start a “baby fund” to help out with baby-related costs
• Plan a romantic weekend with no responsibilities
• Help with cleaning or laundry
• For those couples who already have kids:
  • offer to babysit
  • drop them off at/pick them up from school
  • take them to their dance/ball/soccer/karate/etc practice
  • pick up their school lunch tab for a week

Most importantly, just be there for your friend/family member/loved one. Trying to conceive can be an extremely stressful time. And they can use all the help they can get.

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If you enjoyed this article and/or have any thoughts on it, feel free to leave me a comment below and I will get back to you as soon as possible! I love having conversations about these kinds of things!

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Make sure you grab a copy of my FREE guide Trying To Conceive Language & my FREE Self-Care Mini Course. You can access either one by clicking on the title. These are packed full of information that you can begin implementing today to put yourself one step closer to getting pregnant, naturally.

If you’re looking for a group of like-minded women with which to share your fertility wellness journey, be sure to check out my Whole Body Fertility & Wellness Facebook group today!

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Make sure you grab a copy of my FREE guide 5 Steps To Increase Your Fertile Cervical Mucus & my FREE Self-Care Mini Course. You can access either one by clicking on the title. These are packed full of information that you can begin implementing today to put yourself one step closer to getting pregnant, naturally.

If you’re looking for a group of like-minded women with which to share your fertility wellness journey, be sure to check out my Whole Body Fertility & Wellness Facebook group today!

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